'New year, New me'
It is now 02:13am on the 1st January 2017.
I have so many things to make happen this year. But I am
lazy. I am too lazy to do the things that matter the most. When I was younger I
wanted to be everything my brain could think of. I wanted to be a mermaid, a
doctor, a firefighter, a singer, a model and so forth. What I really want right
now is a free pass. A pass that would allow me to jump through the high hurdles
of life and somehow end up in a safe space. I don’t feel safe anymore. I always
get this sickening feeling that I am being watched. That someone is plotting to
get me and I truly believe that I am running out of time. Running out of time
to save myself. Save myself from whatever monster is either out there, actually
trying to get me, or in my head – making me believe that someone is looking to
harm me. I always try to put on a façade. I want everyone to think that I am
fearless. Fearless of my priorities, fearless of my fears, fearless of the ship
that is closing in on me. Truthfully, I am no fearless woman with strength. I
am simply weak.
When I see the shadows that play games with my brain, I cry.
I cry because I don’t know what is happening to me, and not knowing what is happening means that I am unable to protect myself.
When I see the shadows that play games with my brain, I cry.
I cry because I don’t know what is happening to me, and not knowing what is happening means that I am unable to protect myself.
It is now 02:15am on the 3rd January 2017.
Earlier today my mother told me that a childhood friend’
father had passed away. This news did not fully hit me until I went into bed
half an hour ago. I was, in essence, crying myself to sleep over a death that
has haunted my heart. I hate death. I hate it when people remind me and tell me
that this is what is expected – this is the inevitable. Yet despite this, I
just cannot comprehend the very fact that this very life I’m struggling to
manage, is ultimately one that can be taken away from me within a matter of
seconds. Tonight, or shall I say this morning, I cry for all those families
whose loved ones have been stolen away from them by death. I also cry for
myself. I cry for not understanding what my purpose is in life, I cry because I
am clueless as how I am supposed to live this very life that I am supposed to
be grateful for. Tonight I remember my grandmother. Tonight I cry because I am
angry at all those people who have forgotten the forgotten. I don’t like this
feeling of emptiness that radiates from within me – in fact, I hate it. I want
to scream and sob out loud but I do not want anyone to hear me. I am too much
of a coward to show people my raw emotions. Too much of a coward to the extent
that I am beating away at my keyboard writing this right now. I am too much of
a coward that I haven’t offered any condolences to my childhood friend or her
family. The truth is I don’t know what I would say to her. I would be lying if
I said “things will get better”. You become numb to everything once grief has
welcomed itself into your life. The numbness isn’t even the worst part. The
worst part is that from supressing all the anger – anger at the world and its
inhabitants, you will eventually break. When that happens I guess there is no
hope. You can never mend a broken heart.
I want to laugh right now.
I am a shameful optimist.
To say the least, I am disappointed in myself. I thought that he would make it – my friend’s father. I had so much hope that he would beat the illness that robbed him off the opportunity to live a longer life that I almost forgot about the severe reality of the situation. It is not fair. It is not fair that anyone has to go through grief. I am sleepless because of how fearful I am of death. If I close my eyes tonight, I am not guaranteed that I will wake up tomorrow. It’s not that I don’t want to put my own family through grief, rather it is that I am afraid of the unknown - the afterlife. Will I run out of the chance to repent? I probably will. But even knowing this does not make me want to change my ways. I am too busy being wasteful. Too busy concerned about people who do not care about me, people who will never care about me. I don’t even know why I torture myself with trying to make things right between some people and I. I guess sometimes I am afraid that there will be an abrupt parting – a sudden death which means that I will probably end up feeling guilty for the rest of my life because this person died hating me.
I feel heavy right now. I thought writing this would help me feel lighter... maybe lift off the painful weight of emotions sitting tightly on my chest but only now have I realised that these emotions are forever bolted onto me.
I am a shameful optimist.
To say the least, I am disappointed in myself. I thought that he would make it – my friend’s father. I had so much hope that he would beat the illness that robbed him off the opportunity to live a longer life that I almost forgot about the severe reality of the situation. It is not fair. It is not fair that anyone has to go through grief. I am sleepless because of how fearful I am of death. If I close my eyes tonight, I am not guaranteed that I will wake up tomorrow. It’s not that I don’t want to put my own family through grief, rather it is that I am afraid of the unknown - the afterlife. Will I run out of the chance to repent? I probably will. But even knowing this does not make me want to change my ways. I am too busy being wasteful. Too busy concerned about people who do not care about me, people who will never care about me. I don’t even know why I torture myself with trying to make things right between some people and I. I guess sometimes I am afraid that there will be an abrupt parting – a sudden death which means that I will probably end up feeling guilty for the rest of my life because this person died hating me.
I feel heavy right now. I thought writing this would help me feel lighter... maybe lift off the painful weight of emotions sitting tightly on my chest but only now have I realised that these emotions are forever bolted onto me.
It is now 14:00pm on the 5th January 2017
I am currently sitting inside Starbucks. My heart bleeds as
I type this, after witnessing the most devastating funeral. When I saw wife of
the deceased trying to hold it together and be strong, I couldn’t hold back my
tears anymore.
Life is so unfair.
I am hurting so much right now, and only feel anger at myself for not thinking of the family of the deceased. I cannot fathom what they are all going through. The coffin was only meters away from me. A fresh, lifeless body lying there opposite me… it was heart breaking. I heard one woman say “everyone will die” and hearing that made me even more angry. Why must she mention this? Does she think that we don’t know any of this? Does she not know that the thought of death and dying petrifies every single one of us? Keeps us up at night?
I just don't understand anymore. Heck, I don't even think I ever understood the selfish nature of life. It tugs at you, breaks you; momentarily liberates you. But most days it is brutal and merciless.
Life hurts.
There is no other way of putting it.
Life is so unfair.
I am hurting so much right now, and only feel anger at myself for not thinking of the family of the deceased. I cannot fathom what they are all going through. The coffin was only meters away from me. A fresh, lifeless body lying there opposite me… it was heart breaking. I heard one woman say “everyone will die” and hearing that made me even more angry. Why must she mention this? Does she think that we don’t know any of this? Does she not know that the thought of death and dying petrifies every single one of us? Keeps us up at night?
I just don't understand anymore. Heck, I don't even think I ever understood the selfish nature of life. It tugs at you, breaks you; momentarily liberates you. But most days it is brutal and merciless.
Life hurts.
There is no other way of putting it.
It is now 18:38pm on the 28th January 2017
It has been a while and I am disappointed in myself because
of that. I’m so useless at commitment – commitment to my ‘Dear Diary’ series (I
have decided that this is what I will call it) and most of all, commitment to
the fucked up relationship I am (or not) still in. I am not sure if I even want
to be with him forever, but I am mad as hell at myself for not going through
with it till the very end.
