Being positive, no matter what situation you may have accidentally stumbled upon is crucial.

2015

As the year draws to an end, I can't help but reflect on everything that has happened. Lost loves, major qualifications achievements, family, and lastly a lot of adjustments. Needless to say, overall this year has been a successful in terms of education. I completed my core qualifications and attained admirable results, and moved on to studying three intellectually challenging a levels. I am humbled, and thankful for the opportunity I've been given to have an education and to be able to progress into a career of my own choice. However, other aspects of my life this year have not been as successful as my studies. 

Friendships have always been difficult for me. Similar to many, throughout my younger years I was a victim of bullying. Having later overcome this, I have been hesitant on developing friendships as well as being a part of a 'group'. Midway through secondary school, my parents agreed that it would be best for me to study elsewhere because of the events which unfolded during that academic year. I started a small private school, which I felt comfortable and 'at home' within the first few days as it was an Islamic institution with students I could relate to. The one and half years I spent there were by far the most memorable, and enjoyable moments in my entire life. I made a close friend whom I held very close to my heart. Having said that, fast forward now, the friend who grew close to heart as a sister simply cut me off her life. Devastation, regret and sadness are just a few words which sum up  my feelings whenever I reminisce the friendship I built over the years with her. 6 months later, I am still learning to stop feeling sorry for myself and beginning to let her go. The truth is that you just cannot be a burden to someone who does not want you to be apart of their life. 

In an attempt to let things go, I wrote a small poem:

I wish I could make you understand 

How hard it has been for me 

Since the day the curtains were drawn on the stage we were performing on.

Performing on a new stage is hard on it's own 

But not knowing your lines, 

And performing alone

Is even worse.

I wish I could make you understand 

But I need to stop feeling sorry for myself

I just need to push myself throughout this entire performance 

Be strong. 

I could never resent you for the choices you are making in your life 

Even if those choices don't include me in the script. 

A lesson learned from this friendship is that life is so unpredictable. Never did I think I would be in the situation I am today. People change, circumstances change - you just need to be able to pick yourself and quickly adapt to those changes. A struggle? Yes. But it has to be done, you cannot let your life go downhill because of a failed friendship or whatever it is that did not go right. 

Adapting to a new environment, with new people has certainly been a difficulty for me. Prior to beginning sixth form, I had vowed to myself that I would steer clear of any friendships and would absolutely not become attached to the social side of higher education. Whenever people hear this, I am almost instantly criticised for being 'such a bore!' My response:"I cannot afford to be diverted from my number one priority which is establishing my future". It is as simple as that. For me, the less I am involved deeply with individuals, the more I am invested thoroughly in myself. 

One of the major discoveries I had learned about myself this year is my love for crime novels and TV series! I have become deeply fixated on crime and the topic of evil. During my free time, I religiously spend my time to reading both fiction and non fiction novels based on this area of interest. A proud accomplishment, is the number of books I have read during 2015 which totaled to an impressive: 56 

Among this, are my favorite crime novelists, Chris Carter, Tess Gerritsen, Edger Allen Poe, Karen Rose, Richard Montanari and Tania Carver. All the mentioned authors have effortlessly written novels with plots which take you into another world. For TV series, my favorites this year are: The Blacklist, The following, Blindspot, and Criminal minds!  

All in all, I am blessed to be alive and in good health. A reminder for me everyday is to be thankful for being alive - no matter how challenging or grey some days may be, it is all part of life. I am excited for the upcoming year of 2016. I know this year will be an even better one. Why? Because I have overcome my fears and obstacles and am entering this year with a positive outlook. 

Happy new year!

Why?

Father of murdered teenage girl, Becky Watts: 

"I do not have the vocabulary to express what I want to say, except it is like falling off a cliff into a bottomless chasm of despair."



I AM INCLINED TO COMMENT ON THE TRAGEDY OF THIS BEAUTIFUL YOUNG GIRL AND HOW LENIENT THE JUSTICE SYSTEM IS ON CASES LIKE THIS. HOW IS IT THAT SOMEONE CAPABLE OF ASSISTING A MUTILATION OF A 16 YEAR OLD GIRL WILL ONLY SPEND 17 YEARS IN BEHIND BARS? I AM FORCED AT THIS POINT TO AGREE WITH THE FATHER OF THIS YOUNG GIRL AND SIMPLY BE CLUELESS AS WHAT IT IS THAT I CAN SAY TO EXPRESS THE EMOTIONS THAT  IS OVERPOWERING ME.

The accuracy of this is quite shocking. 

John Webster

"I account this world a tedious theatre. For I do play a part in't 'gainst my will"

"Why are you not interested in academically challenging subjects?"

Carol Ann Duffy

HER

Sit with her,

And tell her all
for a great listener she is.

Tell her about your past mistakes,

For your words will never be considered a mistake.

Make memories with her,

Let your emotions run wild all over her,

Caress her with your words,

Seduce her with your foul thoughts,

Let her suck up your scribbles,

                Intimacy is the key here.

Tell her - about the ones who hurt you,

The people that betrayed you,

DON'T. YOU. DARE. FORGET.

             She will always stay by your side.

Occupy her,

With the thoughts, you thought that you would never have told a soul,

She will never leave you.

Tell her - all your fears and the things which keep you up at 2 am,

But tell her too,

About all that makes you happy,

Your dreams,

Your aspirations.

Pick her up,

And let her help you in times of need,

she will let you empty your mind,

On your best and worst days,

She will help you soothe your sorrow filled soul.

I promise,

Just take her with you,

Anywhere,

Everywhere,

Let her take you on a journey,

A journey full of deep thought and meaning,

She will NEVER deny you.

When nothing but the moon glistens in the sky,

And you stir on your bed for the one hundredth time,

And your heart aches,

Whilst your brain struggles to swim,

                     In a 6ft pool,

A, B, C, D.

Call to her,

Pick her up,

Your emotions will eat you alive,

E, F, G, H.

Bring her to your world,

Be the alien in her planet,

I, J, K, L.

She will always listen.

***

Writing is deep 

I think that more young people should be encouraged to write - for there is nothing more powerful than words.

This piece is about writing. The pen and paper are both personified here as a human being. Bare this in mind, you do not always have to talk about the personal aspects of your life to another person. Grab a pen and paper, write it out. Angry? Use capital letters all throughout your writing. Happy? Show it with a dozen exclamation marks. Your thoughts and feelings are not for the entire world to know or see (unless your Adele). 

It is to you, from you. 

You do not need to have perfect sentence structure, heck it does not even have to make sense. It is yours, so own it!

You know, in all the schools that I have attended, students have always been encouraged to talk about any of their problems to a member of staff.Whilst there is nothing wrong with this, i have never encountered anyone tell me, or my peers to write about things which are bothering us in life.

Not only does writing help free your mind, but writing is an art . It is an expression.

How many poets and authors use the personal aspects of their lives as a basis of factor to construct such inspirational, moving pieces of writing? (pretty much all of them by the way)

Embark a journey with your pen and paper, and remember this: 

Something good can always be created out of a bad situation. 

What is better than to catch up on your favourite TV show on a Friday evening? 'The Blacklist' featuring James Spader and Megan Boone.A must watch!

Happy Halloween

Some days change you

'On Liberty' - Shami Chakrabarti 

A special night at the London School of Economics, with a talk on the human rights act, alongside an open discussion regarding the problems if the right is axed. 

During the time i was seated in the conference room watching the inspirational Shami Chakrabati deliver her speech, I for one did not understand half of what she was saying. This was due to the terminology she was using as well as the complexity of the words which too was embedded in her speech. However, upon leaving the conference room, i felt 100 times more knowledgeable than ever. Even though, her talk on Liberty was not in relation to my studies, it was to my life. As a teenager, i often tend to divert myself away from the world of politics which after leaving that speech i hugely regret. Our human rights act, is tremendously significant - it protects us from things such as slavery, torture as well as guarding citizens in this country, giving them justice whenever necessary.  We cannot let our human rights act be scraped, as the government wants replace it with their "British bill of rights and responsibilities" which could have a detrimental effect on British citizens as the government would only limit human rights to only those cases the British government considers more important.

Click 'here' to find out more on the significance of the human rights act.

For those who are impatient of waiting for the truth to come out:

“Encourage yourself, believe in yourself, and love yourself. Never doubt who you are.”

There is nothing wrong with loving yourself.

I honestly do not know why it is seen as such a negative thing to love yourself. Some say loving yourself displays arrogance and vanity. For me, thinking that you are better than everyone else is arrogance. 

A question which comes into mind is how can you ever love someone else, if for one you cannot even love yourself. 

Self love is SO important. 

. Now, in my opinion, loving yourself is not only limited to appearance. Its more about believing yourself that you can accomplish tasks and be successful in everything you are determined to do.

You need to be able to be confident about yourself.

I have always doubted myself. Always. This mainly was due to the fact that I would always compare myself to other people (sad truth).

You see the problem with this is that, whilst I was focused on the achievements other people were accomplishing, I was not making any progress of my own.

I was stuck. I became stagnant.

Thus, I concluded this: use these people as motivation to do better and to strive in all aspects of your life. 

Personally, this had changed me.

I had begun to move from that position of self loathe and moved into a new place... one of reflection and self evaluation.

 I'm not perfect (yet), but I have lost the tendency to doubt myself. 

You should too.

Shrouded by the future

I can’t take it anymore. I want to hurt him. I want to hurt them all – every last single one of them. The ones who didn't believe me, the ones who doubted me and the ones whom eventually abandoned me; neglected my existence-left me swimming in the depths of misery, anguish and despondency. 

How is it even possible that the people, who claim to love you sincerely, are ultimately the same ones that destroy you; consume your rightful sense of dignity and confound you to perpetual humiliation. They make you feel so worthless and dejected, that you inflict yourself with pain day in day out, in order to make the pain subside. I want them all to weep for me; lament their actions and remorse their callous actions on the day of my burial. Lastly, I want for them to feel anguish; to see them tormented by their consciences. Only then will they question why they didn’t save the pathetic little woman who craved all their love; their attention and security. Because the truth is, without this suffering, they will carry on living their pathetic lives like nothing even happened. 

Humanity is so callously narcissistic. A life is never valued unless it brings gain. Mine seemed to be worth nothing.

My own mother betrayed me; she betrayed my trust - my innocence, chastity and the unconditional love that I had for her. She had manipulated me. Forced me into a marriage I did not want to go through with. How could she? How could she do this to her own flesh and blood? She went through rape to conceive me; rape from an arranged marriage and unbelievably, this was what she was putting me through. I followed all her guidelines and commands throughout my adolescent years. I respected her, only for her to mistreat me and enslave me to the very culture that caused her deterioration. 

Words cannot describe how I feel of her. 

My whole life was a lie; from a young age I was taught to respect honour and devote my love to my mother. But how is it even possible to dedicate love, someone who believes selling her daughter off to an older man is the “right thing to do”? Those were the words of my very own mother. The very one who sold her youngest daughter off for a cheap dowry. 

My own mother. The one who vowed that I would not lead the same isolated, fearful, and frightened life as she had done. She has now become the same ‘mother’ I detest. The same mother I look down upon, the same I felt that was inferior, simply because she bowed down to the interests of culture.

'Mother' 

To me it had become a shallow, meaningless word; one that simply highlighted the void in my life.

***

The chatters and laughter of the two families filled the room why was everyone so happy as the giggles of excited flower girls which were being ushered in to the dressing rooms occupied the room i stood up and walked slowly towards the slightly angled yet pristine mirror even though i was pleased with my appearance on what was supposed to be the ‘happiest’ day of my life i knew that this was something that wasn’t out of my own choice i blinked off my momentary rage and allowed the woman with the freshly manicured nails to place the thin lace veil over my head i was escorted out of the shabby suite with my sisters who were my bridesmaids and the flower girls as I was coming closer to the wedding hall i could hear loud traditional music blasting through speakers the taste of fear soaked my tongue as the sounds of music and cheers were becoming louder and louder with every fragile step i took i could smell the sweat lingering on my body it lingered beneath the corset that enveloped my trapped soul and body

***

I enveloped myself tightly in my own exposed arms, as I shivered in my own blood bath. I could feel blood oozing out of my pitiable body. As I slowly lifted my throbbing head, the bloody knife which sat comfortably against the side of the bathtub, gazed sharply, deeply and intensely into my pathetic eyes. I could hear the knife imitating me… mocking me… laughing at me. I buried my head down onto my lap, and let the tears steam down my face. A million thoughts raced through my mind, thousands of emotions coursed through my veins, but I could only feel the piercing pain that overwhelmed my black heart. I was told that I was pathetic, I was told I was nothing but a failure, I was told that all of my dreams and aspirations were futile. I let another human being tell me my worth, I allowed another person to crucify me as I delved into a crescendo of insanity and pain. I was simply a burden.

It called to me again, but this time in a gentle, alluring tone. Its faint whispers echoed throughout the unkempt motel bathroom. “Just one more time, you need me… you need me… you want me…” It was like a reflex response. Instantly, I stretched my tender leg out and lethargically lifted up my prize possession, my saviour, my knight in shining armour…The knife pierced into my skin once again, and all the pain, the desolation and despair cleared away in an instant. 

// Those who know will understand. Once the stinging pain takes over, your mind becomes lucid to all of the problems that you posses and focuses on the overwhelming sensation //

The bath tub clouded again into a deeper shade of red. A deeper shade of red that I have now become accustomed to. 

***

Want a Mocha?

One of my favourite poems which covers a distant yearning between two lovers. This poem is part of a collection named 'Love poems' written by Duffy. 'Words, Wide night' alongside many of her famous love poems display the power of love through language in impeccable ways. 

The following are quotes taken from Persian poet, Nizami's "Leyli and Majnun:" 

"Dearest heart, if I had not given my soul to you, it would have been better to give it up for good, to lose it forever. I am burning in love's fire; I am drowning in the tears of my sorrow. . . I am the moth that flies through the night to flutter around the candle flame. O invisible candle of my soul, do not torture me as I encircle you! You have bewitched me, you have robbed me of my sleep, my reason, my very being."

"Time passes, but true love remains. The life of this world is, for the most part, nothing but a succession of illusions and deceptions. But true love is real, and the flames which fuel it burn forever, without beginning or end."

“All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.” ― Edgar Allan Poe